tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post2364453142533054928..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: First Impressions - Moving Fearmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-55078932934376149722014-10-02T19:49:54.775-04:002014-10-02T19:49:54.775-04:00Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestio...Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions and thank you DL for submitting. I think Lexa made an excellent point: <br /><br />"The tension only comes if we know who the narrator is, why he cares about the woman, and how her being restrained affects the character and plot."<br /><br />I love the atmosphere and sense of foreboding on this first page and definitely would've turned the page based on that alone. If you ever need another reader, DL, count me in :)<br /><br />mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-38549495002192756892014-10-02T18:20:55.163-04:002014-10-02T18:20:55.163-04:00You have some really good descriptions in there. O...You have some really good descriptions in there. Overall, the writing is excellent. But the POV is confusing and the scene meanders along with no tension or hint of a plot. The tension only comes if we know who the narrator is, why he cares about the woman, and how her being restrained affects the character and plot. Good luck, DL!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-89227814161695281232014-10-02T17:49:09.181-04:002014-10-02T17:49:09.181-04:00Blogger just ate my comment. But basically, I said...Blogger just ate my comment. But basically, I said I posted over at Dianne's so I'll keep this short. Over there, I suggested cutting the sentence that starts with On the wall to his immediate left, and I see you've suggested the same thing here, Marcy. I like all your suggestions. Go, DL! Nice, creepy beginning, once you tighten.Joanne R. Fritzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08076959910493197255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-15521239629874520062014-10-01T22:19:21.703-04:002014-10-01T22:19:21.703-04:00I think the earlier comments covered my reactions....I think the earlier comments covered my reactions. I assumed the first line was spoken by the priest since you've described the woman as basically unresponsive. What you've got so far could be easily told through the priest's POV but I don't know if that changes later in the scene. It does grab, I want to keep reading.LD Mastersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01202135756299574972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-75401153458860467652014-10-01T22:10:54.074-04:002014-10-01T22:10:54.074-04:00Great feedback, Marcy! I already left my comments...Great feedback, Marcy! I already left my comments at Dianne's but I really want to know what happens to that woman. Please tell me the priests gives her some divine intervention, wakes her butt up so she can kick the orderly ass and get the hell out of that ward! Mina Burrowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14483363743530076604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-19926428527183390002014-10-01T20:42:28.867-04:002014-10-01T20:42:28.867-04:00Music to my ears! :) Thank you Stephanie.Music to my ears! :) Thank you Stephanie.DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-76760685574330041342014-10-01T20:41:56.727-04:002014-10-01T20:41:56.727-04:00Nothing good...I assure you. :)Nothing good...I assure you. :)DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-72208878832611317232014-10-01T20:41:25.683-04:002014-10-01T20:41:25.683-04:00I think I'm sensing a trend here. :)I think I'm sensing a trend here. :)DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-48106239542735719442014-10-01T20:40:23.909-04:002014-10-01T20:40:23.909-04:00Noted. Thank you LG. :)Noted. Thank you LG. :)DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-27785745400492038382014-10-01T20:39:53.426-04:002014-10-01T20:39:53.426-04:00Thank you Sheri! :)Thank you Sheri! :)DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-63079250937422912392014-10-01T20:39:31.615-04:002014-10-01T20:39:31.615-04:00I went with OMNI for the prologue, because actuall...I went with OMNI for the prologue, because actually neither is at the center...for reasons you find out later in the book. Still, I'll take this feedback under advisement.<br /><br />Thanks Alex!DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-67913323751041054652014-10-01T17:26:42.195-04:002014-10-01T17:26:42.195-04:00I agree with the changes. I wanted to say I love t...I agree with the changes. I wanted to say I love the beginning of this, though. Pulls the reader right in!Stephanie Farishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10461865229341760836noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-42903203637192065142014-10-01T16:45:53.502-04:002014-10-01T16:45:53.502-04:00Commented over at Dianne's, but agree, it coul...Commented over at Dianne's, but agree, it could be tightened. There's some telling that could be more visual. That said, I'm going yikes! Because I am already drawn in and want to know what is going on here!! Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-23176562200186743102014-10-01T10:16:29.705-04:002014-10-01T10:16:29.705-04:00Definitely has some great tension. I'm wanting...Definitely has some great tension. I'm wanting a clearer POV too. Who are we seeing through? If that one aspect is tightened up, I think it will set this page off. Crystal Collierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03912469552483168148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-69171690037904991652014-10-01T09:46:54.279-04:002014-10-01T09:46:54.279-04:00Great opening line. But I agree with you, Marcy, a...Great opening line. But I agree with you, Marcy, about cutting some of the description. We know what a priest wears. We know what an orderly wears. No real need to describe it. I think the reader will tend to skip over stuff like that in search of more interesting character observations. Luanne G. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15762881276976395955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-84703190261387179862014-10-01T08:10:13.036-04:002014-10-01T08:10:13.036-04:00I liked the opening, set me in the world.
When y...I liked the opening, set me in the world. <br /><br />When you say 'the woman' are you referring to the person who said the opening line? If so, I think adding a dialog tag there would help. <br /><br />I agree about the POV. I'd go with one. Marcy's other thoughts are spot on, too. Best of luck with this, DL! S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-80575819031384002272014-10-01T08:02:22.049-04:002014-10-01T08:02:22.049-04:00Quite the unique setup!
The point of view confuse...Quite the unique setup! <br />The point of view confuses me as well. Not sure who is the center.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com