tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post326222872936487204..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: first impressions - AND WE ARE ALL DAMNEDmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-24029707298308638082013-06-07T20:13:02.687-04:002013-06-07T20:13:02.687-04:00Thank you so much for the critique, Marcy and Dian...Thank you so much for the critique, Marcy and Dianne. This was so cool. And thanks to all the peeps for their comments. Lots to work on and think about. So appreciate it. <br /><br />Happy writing, peeps! And have a lovely weekend.S.A. Turnbullhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02977754661793048133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-33356362902804622572013-06-07T16:06:07.849-04:002013-06-07T16:06:07.849-04:00The thing I liked the best was the mature and cont...The thing I liked the best was the mature and contemplative tone. I specifically liked: <i>Peasants made up the majority of space and noise, happier away from the cold scrutiny of the upper class. </i> That was a good point. <br /><br />Things you might reconsider. <br /><i>She took an inexperienced mouthful of foamy pine cider and burped, immediately pleased by the chance to be improper.</i> Too many adjectives, and "inexperienced mouthful" and "immediately pleased" are telling.<br />Most of the descriptions are static lists, not worked into actions that should describe more subtly, particularly the boy's hair and the second-to-last paragraph.<br />I was confused about whether Raymond was the doctor and why the clock had stopped at his death. Did he own the bar? Were they having a wake? <br />My biggest problem is I didn't get a feeling of tension or conflict. It just seemed like a bunch of people in a bar. <br />(I love the pic with the cat!!) Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-27000979469285606892013-06-05T21:39:15.723-04:002013-06-05T21:39:15.723-04:00This is a little nit-picky, but the phrase "i...This is a little nit-picky, but the phrase "inexperienced mouthful" threw me for a sec. I realize the intended meaning is that Veanne is unaccustomed to drinking alcohol, but the wording makes it sounds as though the mouthful is inexperienced. Maybe, she could take a tentative sip, wrinkle her nose, and then take a big gulp as if it were cod liver oil, or something along those lines. Her behavior could show she isn't used to drinking alcohol without saying she (or her mouthful) are inexperienced.<br /><br />All in all, I liked this piece. Great start!Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-10847013889172514192013-06-05T15:40:09.576-04:002013-06-05T15:40:09.576-04:00I agree that Veanne doesn't seem to be grievin...I agree that Veanne doesn't seem to be grieving. Pleased from burping cider isn't the way I would expect her to act. Yet her heart sinks in her chest when she looks at the clock. And why was the scent of brandy and hops a reminder of him if he was a doctor? I almost thought Raymond owned the bar, at first. :)<br /><br />It sounds as if Raymond was a wonderful man, having taken in Veanne and her brother (presumably orphans). So yeah, I'd like to know more. Less description of the bar and more of her thoughts/feelings. Deeper, closer POV would help.Joanne R. Fritzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08076959910493197255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-41898290387637434802013-06-05T09:11:39.662-04:002013-06-05T09:11:39.662-04:00maybe if she was playing with her hair out of habi...maybe if she was playing with her hair out of habit the way some girls do without realizing it - esp. if it was something she only did when she was upset.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-41541431928015041972013-06-05T08:40:51.214-04:002013-06-05T08:40:51.214-04:00sometimes I think we really are..... sometimes I think we really are..... DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-53553072884835399602013-06-05T08:09:57.573-04:002013-06-05T08:09:57.573-04:00I agree with Alex but what do I know?I agree with Alex but what do I know?The Angry Lurkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01227314379603418332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-10207572590087539272013-06-05T07:26:25.739-04:002013-06-05T07:26:25.739-04:00It does seem a little distant.
And instead of toye...It does seem a little distant.<br />And instead of toyed maybe played?Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com