tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post3515614547650680764..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: first impressionsmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-77424776166577611472012-09-07T19:40:44.227-04:002012-09-07T19:40:44.227-04:00Thank you for your dissenting opinion! I'm act...Thank you for your dissenting opinion! I'm actually a little pleased when someone disagrees because it helps us all realize that opinions are very subjective and ultimately we all have to to decide for ourselves what works and what doesn't. Thanks Robin :) mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-59222217765270619472012-09-07T15:09:05.991-04:002012-09-07T15:09:05.991-04:00I like these characters-and any reference to Pippi...I like these characters-and any reference to Pippi Longstocking makes me smile-I was her for at least 3 Halloweens. But I digress. I think Marsha's suggestions are right on, but I do like the 2nd repeated line. Great last line! Good luck:)Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09462486350293703991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-53888181400256127972012-09-06T21:00:53.419-04:002012-09-06T21:00:53.419-04:00Good page! I liked the characters. I wonder if you...Good page! I liked the characters. I wonder if you could skip the whole jean shorts thing though - it's got a nice voice and it gives backstory, but it doesn't really seem connected to the actual story. Just a thought. You've got a nice voice!Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-88009154992296762412012-09-06T16:23:23.606-04:002012-09-06T16:23:23.606-04:00You can reflect a repeated phrase as dialogue, mor...You can reflect a repeated phrase as dialogue, more active that way.Alhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625543235578144620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-3357312967595340182012-09-05T21:58:07.932-04:002012-09-05T21:58:07.932-04:00It takes a lot of practice to get out of that habi...It takes a lot of practice to get out of that habit and into the habit of using active verbs. I'm still working on it. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-19788236540309106602012-09-05T21:57:30.854-04:002012-09-05T21:57:30.854-04:00Yes, I agree. I could definitely feel her growing ...Yes, I agree. I could definitely feel her growing jealousy.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-71296351394506563392012-09-05T21:40:13.864-04:002012-09-05T21:40:13.864-04:00Well said, Marcy. I do that "was" crap ...Well said, Marcy. I do that "was" crap too, dammit! <br /><br />I enjoyed the characters too. Great job, Kate. Mina Burrowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14483363743530076604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-3353910689971466352012-09-05T19:53:56.253-04:002012-09-05T19:53:56.253-04:00I am intrigued with the characters. At first I tho...I am intrigued with the characters. At first I thought Marcus was with Sylvia. Good set-up-and I enjoyed the main character's inner dialogue.Terri K Rowehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13907444470407490254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-76487180223105600612012-09-05T19:29:20.936-04:002012-09-05T19:29:20.936-04:00So do I Libby. If not for my crit partners, my wor...So do I Libby. If not for my crit partners, my work would be riddled with passivity. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-58905416087297964052012-09-05T19:28:28.037-04:002012-09-05T19:28:28.037-04:00I agree! The narrator definitely has the sort of s...I agree! The narrator definitely has the sort of sense of humor I appreciate. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-69528289681409305662012-09-05T19:27:36.555-04:002012-09-05T19:27:36.555-04:00I agree. I liked that first line, too but I'd ...I agree. I liked that first line, too but I'd like it better if it connected to what immediately follows. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-3381550798807346462012-09-05T15:48:29.771-04:002012-09-05T15:48:29.771-04:00I agree the passive voice should be edited, though...I agree the passive voice should be edited, though I actually like the repetitive language. It gives me a good idea of the age of the MC. What I did not get, though I probably would have if I could have kept on reading, was the lines: "I'm convinced this is how we got to where we are now." Where they "were" either figuratively or literally, does not come up. Instead, Kate moves on to Silvia. So, was it the mother's former pot head tendencies what caused Silvia move on in,(no) or were those habits why the MC was stuck selling cabbage and tomatoes in a farm stand? I really like the first line (passivity aside), but I'd like it to connect me more to the story.<br /><br />Aside from these comments and those above, I'm intrigued and would like to read further.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-27813581415893519012012-09-05T15:18:37.213-04:002012-09-05T15:18:37.213-04:00Nice passage and critique! Yes, those pesky "...Nice passage and critique! Yes, those pesky "was" verbs, and yes, a lot of them could be more active. I do like the tone in this passage, the wry comments and dry humor. I especially love this line: My contentment exhaled its dying breath. Nice!Carol Riggshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14092209912983783974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-91316795860757331622012-09-05T13:55:25.150-04:002012-09-05T13:55:25.150-04:00I have a hard time with passive/active voice as we...I have a hard time with passive/active voice as well. :)Libbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14323538213636795216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-31821191973022522012012-09-05T10:23:04.933-04:002012-09-05T10:23:04.933-04:00Oh, I still do it, but either I catch myself on th...Oh, I still do it, but either I catch myself on the second read through or one of my crit partner's does. I have one in particular who is particularly good at pointing out ALL my passive verbs. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-50769925158505885922012-09-05T09:54:47.347-04:002012-09-05T09:54:47.347-04:00Passive words like 'was' used to frustrate...Passive words like 'was' used to frustrate me, but it's forced me to find more creative ways to construct a sentence.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-71997246975724929632012-09-05T09:40:06.276-04:002012-09-05T09:40:06.276-04:00very, very true. In fact, the word 'was' i...very, very true. In fact, the word 'was' is quite necessary! I was just pointing out how many on this first page alone. Getting rid of a few draws the reader in further into the narrator's world which was obviously quite nice until Sylvia came along. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-20551319590659951152012-09-05T09:21:21.022-04:002012-09-05T09:21:21.022-04:00Not all "was's" are passive, but Mar...Not all "was's" are passive, but Marcy's right that replacing an "I was wearing" with an "I wore" would make the voice more active. Luanne G. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15762881276976395955noreply@blogger.com