tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post3703044575643273850..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: first impressions - FABLE RANGERmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-1525126151924559332013-07-06T15:59:30.088-04:002013-07-06T15:59:30.088-04:00I thought there was intrigue---as it didn't st...I thought there was intrigue---as it didn't state who's wedding, did it? Who's is getting married? An older sibling-a parent? How does the narrator feel about this? It had plenty of draw to it.Terri K Rowehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13907444470407490254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-16061950624440711582013-07-02T17:04:52.830-04:002013-07-02T17:04:52.830-04:00I'm late to this, but I agree with Crystal abo...I'm late to this, but I agree with Crystal about the whistling, I like it and I don't think every kid would do that, and it tells me something about him - I'm thinking he's a fun kid and has a big personality or maybe comes from an eccentric family where doing things like that don't bother him. :) This sounds like a really cute story. :)Kimberlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17323788304469008867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-21612889142653002452013-07-02T17:00:24.034-04:002013-07-02T17:00:24.034-04:00I don't think a boy that age would whistle at ...I don't think a boy that age would whistle at his tomboy pal, but I think he'd give her a ration of crap. Laugh. Make fun of her. Maybe say something funny about how he didn't know she was a girl. Even if he thought she looked cute, I don't think he'd say anything to give it away. And she, being a tomboy, would probably react to his taunts by punching him on the arm or making a face at him. <br /><br />Wow, that young lady's name is a real mouthful! No wonder they call her Case.Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-78892426296584959922013-07-02T08:40:03.546-04:002013-07-02T08:40:03.546-04:00Thanks a million everyone who chimed in. As you ca...Thanks a million everyone who chimed in. As you can see your comments are extremely helpful! <br />:)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-90361381611755005022013-07-01T22:00:32.135-04:002013-07-01T22:00:32.135-04:00Agree with the earlier comments, and I like your M...Agree with the earlier comments, and I like your MCs name. ;)Nicolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10680066584646789184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-56675958529544575092013-07-01T21:32:14.673-04:002013-07-01T21:32:14.673-04:00Thank you, Marcy, for the great feedback and again...Thank you, Marcy, for the great feedback and again, I can't say it enough, the comments are a treasure trove as well. Thank you, everyone!!Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-84857882207693890132013-07-01T20:16:29.184-04:002013-07-01T20:16:29.184-04:00I was going to suggest the same thing Matthew MacN...I was going to suggest the same thing Matthew MacNish suggested. Saying "my hands dangled" is not a dialogue tag, so there shouldn't be a comma after "Look, guys..."<br /><br />As I said over on Dianne's blog, I love the voice here. There are wonderful comic possibilities. This sounds just about perfect to me, and I read A LOT of MG. I would like a hint that it's fantasy, though.Joanne R. Fritzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08076959910493197255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-36173698246848876512013-07-01T15:21:37.669-04:002013-07-01T15:21:37.669-04:00Angela Brown always looks so happy in her author p...Angela Brown always looks so happy in her author photo.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-14221922956200453832013-07-01T13:20:47.155-04:002013-07-01T13:20:47.155-04:00I remembered this query at the QQQE and thought th...I remembered this query at the QQQE and thought the premise was awesome, BUT this first page does nothing to hook me into that story. While there is some characterization, it doesn't seem to be quite enough for the intricate story that should follow.<br /><br />Not sure what it takes to 'get' a MG reader, but I like stories that start off with a bang. give me some idea of what to expect. Some shot to the heart of the matter.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-64910302773933577552013-07-01T11:25:03.718-04:002013-07-01T11:25:03.718-04:00I was already at Dianne's, but I see something...I was already at Dianne's, but I see something new here. When you highlight: "“Look, guys,” Mmy hands dangled at my sides," I think it would work even better with an ellipsis, or maybe an em-dash.<br /><br />The thing is that dialog should really only be followed by non capitalized narration when that narration is a dialog tag. Otherwise, the dialog should complete a sentence, and then the narration needs to be capitalized as the beginning of a new sentence. <br /><br />So, I think: "Look guys ..." My hands dangled at my sides." would probably be best.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-51872950377753988052013-07-01T10:45:35.290-04:002013-07-01T10:45:35.290-04:00I'm going to disagree with the whistling comme...I'm going to disagree with the whistling comment, and here's why: It says to me they think she's one of the guys, and they're that comfortable in her presence. Personally, I think that's an interpretation of character we're not sufficiently educated to make as an audience, but that's what it said to me. That said, I have a middle grader who would never whistle at anyone--because he'd turn the color of a plumb. That's a personality thing.<br /><br />"when mom called out", mom should be capitalized. <br /><br />Characterization is strong in this first page, and I love it. I would like the MC's feelings on this upcoming wedding though, and a sense of tension--something that's going to have me in knots with the MC. (Not just being caught in a dress.) I love how she's uncomfortable, but I'm craving an extension of her discomfort leading to the story problem. Can we have a hint? Just a tiny hint?<br /><br />Based on this first page, would I read on? You bet! The voice guarantees that much. Crystal Collierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03912469552483168148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-6088292392616667112013-07-01T10:25:40.291-04:002013-07-01T10:25:40.291-04:00Thanks, LG, and yes, it is hard to know given just...Thanks, LG, and yes, it is hard to know given just a single - especially when the next line or page might have contain exactly what the reader will need/want.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-17268821857260952652013-07-01T10:24:07.710-04:002013-07-01T10:24:07.710-04:00thanks, Sheri, you read much more MG than I do so ...thanks, Sheri, you read much more MG than I do so I appreciate your observation :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-44207043732171896422013-07-01T09:48:35.385-04:002013-07-01T09:48:35.385-04:00Left most of my comments on Dianne's site, but...Left most of my comments on Dianne's site, but I just noticed something. I do agree with Marcy about the whistling. I've had MG age boys. They might whistle among themselves at a girl, jokingly, because otherwise it's still too awkward. But here, they'd probably snicker or grimace like "Uh...gross." S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-23658417038521339372013-07-01T09:45:45.939-04:002013-07-01T09:45:45.939-04:00I don't really find the voice too old. Kind of...I don't really find the voice too old. Kind of intrigued by the tomboy girl in a dress who'd rather be playing basketball. It's hard to know with these short snippets if there should be more hints of future conflict introduced yet. For all I know the next paragraph might have some little hook in it. Don't know if there's a budding first love romance there either, but it seems the boys were taken by seeing their friend in a dress. ;)Luanne G. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15762881276976395955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-11414829247402451922013-07-01T09:18:53.184-04:002013-07-01T09:18:53.184-04:00Yeah. Don't read MG, either. But I liked it. I...Yeah. Don't read MG, either. But I liked it. Its pretty clean and smooth.<br /><br />Hugs and chocolate,<br />Shellyshellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09596621767297173021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-35141406792144122792013-07-01T08:53:58.370-04:002013-07-01T08:53:58.370-04:00I don't read MG either.I don't read MG either. DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-6144812655405724222013-07-01T06:38:49.705-04:002013-07-01T06:38:49.705-04:00I don't read it either, but agree something of...I don't read it either, but agree something of importance needs to occur.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-60563136650853800542013-07-01T06:28:30.882-04:002013-07-01T06:28:30.882-04:00I'm interested in your views and see the text ...I'm interested in your views and see the text in a different light when explained.The Angry Lurkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01227314379603418332noreply@blogger.com