tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post7748154501239058902..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: First Impressions - Hybridmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-85902527834804496192016-01-07T03:21:42.989-05:002016-01-07T03:21:42.989-05:00I say many thanks to the father of the website adm...I say many thanks to the father of the website admin I read this, because at this website I know a lot of information information that I did not know before his<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/qBNKAu" rel="nofollow">Obat BAB Keras Untuk Anak</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/IDLP8Q" rel="nofollow">Obat Perawatan Rambut Kulit Dan Kuku</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/zYx2Oz" rel="nofollow">Obat Gangguan Fungsi Ginjal Pada Pria</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/ZdgThx" rel="nofollow">Obat Pencegah Paru-Paru Basah</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/PNVOnW" rel="nofollow">Teh Untuk Pengobatan</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/jAne9N" rel="nofollow">Obat Untuk Meningkatkan Stamina</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/13tMvc" rel="nofollow">Cara Meningkatkan Konsentrasi</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/V7K3Wu" rel="nofollow">Kapsul Mengatasi Kemandulan</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/aJYU1b" rel="nofollow">Kapsul Penambah Stamina Pria</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/p2cMzh" rel="nofollow">Obat Penyakit Miom Herbal</a> Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17382737205881876895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-78553022535015857312015-05-03T12:36:57.090-04:002015-05-03T12:36:57.090-04:00I really enjoyed this as is . Couldn't see any...I really enjoyed this as is . Couldn't see any faults.shellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09596621767297173021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-36804886441327546262015-05-03T08:06:43.441-04:002015-05-03T08:06:43.441-04:00Outlet confused me too.. thank God I don't hav...Outlet confused me too.. thank God I don't have to translate that :) Otherwise, it flows nicely DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-40773587135482753642015-05-02T19:40:41.674-04:002015-05-02T19:40:41.674-04:00I enjoyed Gwen's first page, and I think Marcy...I enjoyed Gwen's first page, and I think Marcy gave excellent suggestions. I left my crit over at Dianne's. Have a great weekend!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-20162760177988128892015-05-01T18:34:49.625-04:002015-05-01T18:34:49.625-04:00I, too, love the premise of this story, and would ...I, too, love the premise of this story, and would definitely keep reading to see what happens to this girl. In the second sentence, you say she kept her eyes on the outlet. Then, you say what else she looks at, so in essence, she doesn't keep her eyes on the outlet. It's more like she's skittish and her attention is wandering. <br /><br />The only other thing I'd add to what's already been said is I find the succession of one and two-sentence paragraphs choppy. Maybe the first three paragraphs could be combined into one?<br /><br />Bottom line, good job!Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-67845558266363706692015-05-01T10:17:59.146-04:002015-05-01T10:17:59.146-04:00Love this premise. This is definitely a story I w...Love this premise. This is definitely a story I want to read. That said, I think I would ground the reader more in regard to where Naze and Mawoma are right off the bat. Is it an office? It takes several lines before we know the woman speaking is sitting at a desk. Also, the Statue of Liberty Poster seems a little obvious. Give your reader credit for being smart. The airborn division reference should be enough. Simplify your descriptions: hot dry air. The fan implies it is hot. No need to tell more. White headed eagle? Not sure but aren't they all white headed? Eagle is enough. Gray steel table, vein- lined hand. See if you can tighten up, refine your descriptions, such as "he slapped the bundle of papers onto the table." Less is more and keeps things moving. Still, this story has hooked me in and I would love to keep reading.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.com