tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post8501076976627823898..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: first impressions - THE MOTHER TREEmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-19921862229600283922013-07-06T18:53:34.811-04:002013-07-06T18:53:34.811-04:00Very interesting straight forward storytelling and...Very interesting straight forward storytelling and yet there is that hint of mystery. I like it.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-27794119433042981802013-07-06T10:25:47.908-04:002013-07-06T10:25:47.908-04:00Thank you all for your comments. I am happy to be ...Thank you all for your comments. I am happy to be able to share my work with you and I am taking all of your advice with me as I dive back into this labor of love!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11493342396229099689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-65124838486205977322013-07-06T10:12:07.775-04:002013-07-06T10:12:07.775-04:00I'm intrigued. What's with the crow, what...I'm intrigued. What's with the crow, what's with her mom? I would as mentioned above, watch out for "was" and go for more action oriented words where possible. Most times the word felt can be eliminated: "Rachel felt a rush of hope." How about something like, "A warm rush of hope coursed through her veins." You may want to try to avoid phrases like, she watched, or she heard or she smelled, etc. Writing this way makes your reader see through the eyes of the character instead of seeing the action directly, which distances them from your story. "Rachel watched as her mom looked up and closed it," can be simply changed to "Her mom looked up and closed it."<br /><br />There are some nice details here. I'm not well versed in YA, but I'd hope to get to some meaty action soon.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-45998374420398667832013-07-06T09:58:58.399-04:002013-07-06T09:58:58.399-04:00Thank you everyone for stopping by to comment! I a...Thank you everyone for stopping by to comment! I appreciate it and I'm sure Angela does, too :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-77987296356243731842013-07-06T00:25:54.497-04:002013-07-06T00:25:54.497-04:00You definitely hook the reader with unanswered que...You definitely hook the reader with unanswered questions and get us right into action, that's a huge plus, and the balled up sheets are a great question. Unfortunately, a lot of agents and editors suggest not starting with a character waking up, because that is used so often as an introduction. Good luck with this! :)Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-30655360362270237762013-07-05T19:05:01.211-04:002013-07-05T19:05:01.211-04:00I love all the subtle questions this page raises. ...I love all the subtle questions this page raises. <br /><br />Great critique!Golden Eaglehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08721520451194318436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-54214693955549329242013-07-05T13:14:07.198-04:002013-07-05T13:14:07.198-04:00Good point, Susan, thanks for chiming in :)Good point, Susan, thanks for chiming in :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-24761440869982213772013-07-05T12:43:24.146-04:002013-07-05T12:43:24.146-04:00I am intrigued. I want to find out more!I am intrigued. I want to find out more!Terri K Rowehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13907444470407490254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-73209789746438667732013-07-05T10:51:29.157-04:002013-07-05T10:51:29.157-04:00Yes, this first page intrigues me. It teases with ...Yes, this first page intrigues me. It teases with hints of what's yet to be revealed. Good start!<br /><br />I disagree about changing "was sitting" to "sat". The first indicates that she sat down some time ago, and is still sitting there when Rachel finds her. The second makes it sound as though she just now parked her butt. Just my opinion.Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-78670668331357524542013-07-05T09:00:01.509-04:002013-07-05T09:00:01.509-04:00Yes, why indeed? Yes, why indeed? DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-50577166211300832982013-07-05T06:56:30.149-04:002013-07-05T06:56:30.149-04:00Yes. This intrigued me. Its pretty clean. But migh...Yes. This intrigued me. Its pretty clean. But might I add beware of the the filter words like felt...you could show her leaning in to hug her mom and have her pull away. Give a thought while in action.<br /><br />Hugs and chocolate,<br />Shellyshellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09596621767297173021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-21108831521270780542013-07-05T06:45:36.064-04:002013-07-05T06:45:36.064-04:00It was a very clean and intriguing beginning.It was a very clean and intriguing beginning.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com