tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post2876114104811873224..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: First Impressions - Untitledmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-72496677778173118572016-12-27T09:22:09.936-05:002016-12-27T09:22:09.936-05:00Ooh! I want to read more. I continue struggling wi...Ooh! I want to read more. I continue struggling with excessive wordiness as well as replacing "said" more than necessary. And I'm in my forties! Best wishes to this young writer.Darla M Sandshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18212760625717298992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-55675062906254174852016-11-17T16:40:16.008-05:002016-11-17T16:40:16.008-05:00The last sentence of the fortune cookie could just...The last sentence of the fortune cookie could just say "Leave the country" or something equally brief. Well done on this piece! Solid critique, as well. I agree with keeping it simple (said, walked, etc.)Shannon Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00934641808195675935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-35505571138031126522016-11-14T15:07:26.761-05:002016-11-14T15:07:26.761-05:00Wow! I'm impressed and intrigued! Super hook. ...Wow! I'm impressed and intrigued! Super hook. I want to read on! agree with the critique you gave, too. Christyerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-36691308537146650752016-11-07T15:31:10.045-05:002016-11-07T15:31:10.045-05:00Pretty clean writing. Agree with the suggestions. ...Pretty clean writing. Agree with the suggestions. Also, had the same questions. I would definitely keep reading.shellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09596621767297173021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-11399668777791866072016-11-07T15:25:27.045-05:002016-11-07T15:25:27.045-05:00I agree with the minor quibbles and would add '...I agree with the minor quibbles and would add 'situated'. Sat is fine.<br />And yes, I would happily read more.<br />We don't get fortune cookies here. And I suspect after reading this one I am glad.Elephant's Childhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06650565833097914052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-44045518977082181802016-11-07T12:03:16.757-05:002016-11-07T12:03:16.757-05:00That wasn't bad, well to me anyway!That wasn't bad, well to me anyway!The Angry Lurkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01227314379603418332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-89355614365162200112016-11-07T10:53:49.778-05:002016-11-07T10:53:49.778-05:00grease-soaked
"She peered up at the man at ...grease-soaked<br /><br /><br />"She peered up at the man at the counter when she realized he had been staring at her the entire time she was here." Show us this right when she notices it. Let us feel the tension at the beginning of the scene along with her rather than surprising us with it later.<br /><br /><br />"Her nose caught whiffs from the white paper bag" Let's not draw attention to her nose. Her nose should not be the thing we're paying attention to. Try leading with whiffs of won-ton (or whatever) tickled her nose.<br /><br />A warning about this structure: "Pulling back some blooming branches to create an opening, she entered and began to wander around. <br />Following the sound of a trickling stream, she came upon an old, eroded wooden bridge that was surrounded by lush underbrush." Lead into a sentence with an "ing" verb sparingly. We want to see who is doing the action first in most instances.<br /><br />Great hook for the end of the first page. I'm definitely curious about what is going on.Crystal Collierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03912469552483168148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-9535043247167111562016-11-07T06:35:12.804-05:002016-11-07T06:35:12.804-05:00It was intriguing.
Maybe shorter paragraphs? And m...It was intriguing.<br />Maybe shorter paragraphs? And maybe what the fortune said should be placed right after the line that she was sick to her stomach?<br />Now I want some spring rolls!Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com