tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post4604264555009442624..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: first impressions - Die to Live Another Daymshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-83944857087957877752013-03-10T11:55:25.426-04:002013-03-10T11:55:25.426-04:00I had an issue in exactly the same spot you did. ...I had an issue in exactly the same spot you did. A deeper understanding is necessary, in my opinion. :) DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-6014419028393629192013-03-08T12:22:54.023-05:002013-03-08T12:22:54.023-05:00I know you can't judge a book by its... title....I know you can't judge a book by its... title... but this title does't sound very MG to me. It sounds more like the title of something I would read.<br /><br />I like the ominous sense associated with the shadow, and the hints of something sinister going on, but have to agree that a brother as caring and protective as Parker would have done something more than simply hold her and soothe her fears. Most big brothers reserve sole rights to tormenting their little sisters.<br /><br />The mother? Sounds to me like she's burying her head in the sand and doesn't want to acknowledge the existence of any problems with either of her children.<br /><br />Good start, Joy!Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-55891657114236999632013-03-07T12:43:44.430-05:002013-03-07T12:43:44.430-05:00I already commented over at Dianne's. I think...I already commented over at Dianne's. I think Shannon has a point about it being scary. The title could be a negative for MG too now that I think about it. Just a thought. Like I said over at Dianne's...I love the vibe of the opening. Keep up the good work.Mina Burrowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14483363743530076604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-2297761126742315182013-03-07T12:14:14.331-05:002013-03-07T12:14:14.331-05:00Ooh, Marcy caught some MG boy voice inconsistency ...Ooh, Marcy caught some MG boy voice inconsistency that I missed. I don't think "unusual" is that bad, but "eccentric" will probably give a lot of readers pause.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-16313842317381105222013-03-07T00:23:24.406-05:002013-03-07T00:23:24.406-05:00I like it. Sounds scary. I like the shadow intro. ...I like it. Sounds scary. I like the shadow intro. Are we going to find that the mother is neglectful or absentee? Otherwise, her denial and avoidance might be too much. If my child had welts and deep scratches, I'd be very concerned and would be pushing it to find out why (did, in fact, when my son was being bullied in preschool). Then again, a MG aged reader might not think that way, so maybe it wouldn't be a problem?<br /><br />Parker sounds like a wonderful brother, but if this has been going on for years, you'd think he'd come around or actually go check her room or something. That's a long time frame for mom and brother to be letting it happen. You'd think they'd be out there actively seeking, not just asking. Talking to teachers. Wondering about the other person. Not letting her out of their sight. <br /><br />I enjoy the writing style, though, and the story sounds intriguing.<br /><br />Shannon at <a href="http://thewarriormuse.com/" rel="nofollow">The Warrior Muse</a>Shannon Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00934641808195675935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-33907208043092827592013-03-06T18:45:28.619-05:002013-03-06T18:45:28.619-05:00Ahem, you're supposed to be looking at her wri...Ahem, you're supposed to be looking at her writing sample, Dez.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-55239434529542971842013-03-06T14:54:57.826-05:002013-03-06T14:54:57.826-05:00Hi Joy!
First, I loved some of your prose, like:
“...Hi Joy!<br />First, I loved some of your prose, like:<br /><i>“They’re not real.” Parker stroked his little sister’s hair as she curled up beside him.<br />She answered with tears. They dripped onto his arm, where she’d laid her head.<br />Another moment of looking into her teary eyes would break him.</i><br />Lovely!<br /><br />The idea of Parker as protector is appealing, and the mystery of what's hurting Bonny is a good hook, but overall, I think the first page would confuse MG readers. Even I'm confused about whether the "shadow" is a supernatural entity or you're just personalizing a natural object. And I don't understand Mom's disposition toward Parker. Does she think he might be hurting Bonnie?<br /><br />Last, is technique. I feel there are some non-MG-friendly words/phrases, like: Berber, on occasion (which is redundant with "sometimes" anyway), plea, footboard, disposition, eccentric, and reasonable descriptions. And the narrative jumps around from action to thoughts to different backstories and explanations. I'm also concerned about the title, which seems kinda harsh for MG -- or at least I'd be worried about it if I were a parent. I think the narrative structure needs to be simplified, and I wouldn't introduce so many issues on the first page (like the Mom thing).<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-1330766725552966732013-03-06T12:35:19.351-05:002013-03-06T12:35:19.351-05:00more often than not.... more often than not.... DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-21276814758256900022013-03-06T10:08:07.709-05:002013-03-06T10:08:07.709-05:00Sounds like it's going to be a very creepy sto...Sounds like it's going to be a very creepy story. I think I used to have nightmares like that myself as a kid. <br /><br />And Dezzy is just crazy sometimes. :P Luanne G. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15762881276976395955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-67096745980778054262013-03-06T09:12:35.743-05:002013-03-06T09:12:35.743-05:00I definitely enjoyed the first paragraph. It has v...I definitely enjoyed the first paragraph. It has voice and would totally draw an MGer into that world. S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-60749855619549235872013-03-06T09:10:49.640-05:002013-03-06T09:10:49.640-05:00oooh, Joy is a true joy to look at! Let us all sta...oooh, Joy is a true joy to look at! Let us all stare at her pic for ten minutes... or so..... :) DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-11774822421602623682013-03-06T08:20:53.761-05:002013-03-06T08:20:53.761-05:00Love her first paragraph. Love her voice. Agree wi...Love her first paragraph. Love her voice. Agree with your points though.<br /><br />Hugs and chocolate,<br />Shellyshellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09596621767297173021noreply@blogger.com