tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post6328129496157652388..comments2024-03-28T05:05:30.116-04:00Comments on mainewords: First Impressions - Evergreenmshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-68709884929993582842016-05-09T02:50:05.037-04:002016-05-09T02:50:05.037-04:00Ok, so I'm a bit late getting over here, but I...Ok, so I'm a bit late getting over here, but I've been late everywhere, lol! Christy's first page sets the tone as being a light YA, fun story. Unlike some of the other readers, I knew right away the narrator was a girl. Most guys just aren't going to fuss over everything "looking perfect" or nod their heads to classmates over their "dress and accessory choices." But I do agree with Marcy's comments and suggestions. Using the phrase "a girl" instead of simply naming her puts distance between them as if they were strangers. What grabbed me the most was Ms. Fulton. I definitely want to know more about her and what her deal is. Thanks for sharing your first page Christy, you're braver than I am, and with a few adjustments, you'll have a great opening story. :) Elise Fallsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14734537117333738468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-29033015819339414032016-05-09T02:49:00.840-04:002016-05-09T02:49:00.840-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Elise Fallsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14734537117333738468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-50885135693018964412016-05-08T23:08:38.011-04:002016-05-08T23:08:38.011-04:00Thank you!Thank you!erica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-4921601363305807662016-05-07T13:59:08.475-04:002016-05-07T13:59:08.475-04:00there's a wholla lotta colours in there!there's a wholla lotta colours in there! DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-15572097684042683302016-05-07T08:14:11.374-04:002016-05-07T08:14:11.374-04:00She IS brave!She IS brave!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-52019790170622136092016-05-07T08:13:53.063-04:002016-05-07T08:13:53.063-04:00Excellent thoughts, and thanks for chiming in :)Excellent thoughts, and thanks for chiming in :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-48144473150447427812016-05-07T07:40:12.594-04:002016-05-07T07:40:12.594-04:00Congratulations to Christy for bravely submitting ...Congratulations to Christy for bravely submitting to open critique.The Armchair Squidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10739833215220853127noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-57312053752490431892016-05-06T14:13:08.358-04:002016-05-06T14:13:08.358-04:00Since Christy has already swooped in to read the o...Since Christy has already swooped in to read the other comments, she may not return to see this one, but I'll add my two cents, anyway.<br /><br />The dispassionate way the narrator approaches "the girl" standing by the bleachers belies their obvious relationship. It would make more sense to me if the narrator has a positive reaction to seeing her, calls her by name, and immediately seeks her reassurance about how perfect the prom is... before the whole bathroom conversation. "The girl" says something about loving the narrator... and the narrator refers to OUR bathroom... and at first glance, they seem to be living together. Which is a tad strange for high school students, now that I think about it. Maybe they're just having a sleepover? But no... it seems like more than that. It seems to me as though they're lovers. Therein may lie the animosity on the part of the one teacher? Either because of her disapproval of the girls'relationship, or maybe because she has unrequited romantic feelings towards one of them?<br /><br />I don't know, but I do think this is a promising beginning. Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-21295417534291741412016-05-04T19:01:37.422-04:002016-05-04T19:01:37.422-04:00Christy, I hope the comments helped and thank you ...Christy, I hope the comments helped and thank you so much for submitting your first page. If you want to revise and submit again, we would love to crit this again!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-39736024797533785602016-05-04T18:49:57.460-04:002016-05-04T18:49:57.460-04:00Thanks for posting my first page and for the criti...Thanks for posting my first page and for the critique! I appreciate your time and comments. :) I learned a lot today about reader perspective and a need for clarity in my writing so there's not so much confusion about my characters. Christyerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-6771107642780671692016-05-04T13:33:09.248-04:002016-05-04T13:33:09.248-04:00I think the toilet episode was meant to emphasize ...I think the toilet episode was meant to emphasize a point. And yes, I agree with you about the music. Most teens want it loud. Even I want it loud at times!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-17836034876546282492016-05-04T13:32:01.068-04:002016-05-04T13:32:01.068-04:00Hey, we all like different stuff!Hey, we all like different stuff!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-46072685595193135212016-05-04T13:31:44.908-04:002016-05-04T13:31:44.908-04:00This is definitely an excellent start! The comment...This is definitely an excellent start! The comments are only suggestions, subjective opinions which the author is free to take or leave. The hope is that everything we say will help the author make this first page perfect.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-39318307341458616862016-05-04T13:29:37.297-04:002016-05-04T13:29:37.297-04:00I thought maybe he was gay, until the purse. And y...I thought maybe he was gay, until the purse. And yes, I want to feel sympathetic toward this character!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-51614800621794384652016-05-04T13:29:01.563-04:002016-05-04T13:29:01.563-04:00That's a good question, Crystal!That's a good question, Crystal!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-24625201008806381652016-05-04T12:42:10.599-04:002016-05-04T12:42:10.599-04:00I was confused about the whole toilet episode; I d...I was confused about the whole toilet episode; I don't really see the purpose of it. The thing that bugs me is the line: 'the bass a perfect volume, not that crass loud overbearing beat that makes everyone's ears bleed and heart hurt.' I find it hard to believe that a teenager would actually think that. Its more what a parent would think. The louder, the better ;) Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749102710759250044noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-31120215843340849522016-05-04T11:47:51.106-04:002016-05-04T11:47:51.106-04:00Not a YA so nothing grabbed me from this one page!...Not a YA so nothing grabbed me from this one page!The Angry Lurkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01227314379603418332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-11159740499977520812016-05-04T11:06:19.424-04:002016-05-04T11:06:19.424-04:00Really? Everyone wants all that in the first page...Really? Everyone wants all that in the first page? Perhaps I'm confused too. There's mystery already, and a hook, and lots of things to be learned, lots of "Aha!" moments for page two, and page three...<br />What page one did for me was want me to turn to page two to see if there were answers to my questions. Seems like a good start!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00672092235600264146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-86575325640727226752016-05-04T10:12:00.665-04:002016-05-04T10:12:00.665-04:00I knew it was a girl from the beginning. Guys don&...I knew it was a girl from the beginning. Guys don't care about things looking perfect. The excerpt held my attention all the way through. It felt fresh and not cliche. Technically, it's very good (though I'd get rid of the 3rd "perfect" in the beginning). My only concern is that the MC isn't very sympathetic. She seems a bit selfish and shallow. Maybe that's your intention, but you might want a save-the-cat moment to increase her likeability if you want readers to spend an entire book with her. Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-447265031772063612016-05-04T09:59:56.432-04:002016-05-04T09:59:56.432-04:00Some fabulous character set up here. My issues is ...Some fabulous character set up here. My issues is the hook. I want more conflict on the first page. There's a hint of one in the teacher/student relationship of the last paragraph, but I'm looking to feel compelled. I want to come away asking a question, feeling a strong empathy, or with my jaw dangling. What is it you want us to be thinking at the end of the first page, Christy?Crystal Collierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03912469552483168148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-67347011192622316942016-05-04T08:22:06.233-04:002016-05-04T08:22:06.233-04:00Yes, it was a bit confusing, unless our narrator i...Yes, it was a bit confusing, unless our narrator is also obsessed with cleanliness which goes along with perfection...mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-41601468759924985112016-05-04T08:20:54.870-04:002016-05-04T08:20:54.870-04:00I thought the narrator was male at first as well. ...I thought the narrator was male at first as well. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-24853590727958888912016-05-04T08:20:32.252-04:002016-05-04T08:20:32.252-04:00There are definitely some intriguing elements, lik...There are definitely some intriguing elements, like Mrs. Fulton. What's her problem?mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-34090495668595436612016-05-04T08:19:38.328-04:002016-05-04T08:19:38.328-04:00Wow. I totally missed that. But if so, shouldn'...Wow. I totally missed that. But if so, shouldn't she worry more? Be less confident?mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-5600763029089702022016-05-04T07:48:35.810-04:002016-05-04T07:48:35.810-04:00I agree with the other comments. Great job, Marcy,...I agree with the other comments. Great job, Marcy, as always...S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.com