tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post7979466497501176461..comments2024-01-14T05:15:40.056-05:00Comments on mainewords: first impressions - Tsavo Pridemshatchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-89352657759343116452016-01-09T02:56:33.263-05:002016-01-09T02:56:33.263-05:00I say many thanks to Mr. admin website I read this...I say many thanks to Mr. admin website I read this, because in this website I know a lot of information information that I did not know before his<br /><br /><a href="http://ow.ly/NpYpC" rel="nofollow">Obat Penyakit Asam Urat Dan Diabetes</a> <br /><a href="http://ow.ly/NpYwl" rel="nofollow">Obat Tradisional Tumor Ginjal</a> <br /><a href="http://ow.ly/NpYLc" rel="nofollow">Obat Benjolan Di Pergelangan Tangan Tradisional</a><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18122060167304311626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-69950983878910179702013-01-06T14:21:40.335-05:002013-01-06T14:21:40.335-05:00A fine opening with good edits -- needs more activ...A fine opening with good edits -- needs more active verbs, less being verbs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-75109118233999348342013-01-06T11:37:04.100-05:002013-01-06T11:37:04.100-05:00Btw, the line 'this was my land' is Powerf...Btw, the line 'this was my land' is Powerful! It makes me want to discover What and Why. Great voice.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-16716570238063222152013-01-06T11:35:17.436-05:002013-01-06T11:35:17.436-05:00IMHO, to improve the drama in the first sentence, ...IMHO, to improve the drama in the first sentence, I would do the following:<br /><br />The world split before me, torn open by a steel road. It sliced through the countryside and across the Tsavo River.<br /><br />I cut the extra words and broke it in half to increase the tension. Then I'd end the paragraph. Start the new one with "This was my land..."Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-5245936401569260282013-01-06T04:52:28.955-05:002013-01-06T04:52:28.955-05:00It's an interesting piece and I'd keep rea...It's an interesting piece and I'd keep reading, but Marcy points out some really good areas of improvement to make it even better. <br />Great job, ladies!PK HREZOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11650153097981426833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-31674008460681439692013-01-05T14:24:28.271-05:002013-01-05T14:24:28.271-05:00Have to agree with Marcy. And like Susan, I didn&#...Have to agree with Marcy. And like Susan, I didn't notice all those to-be verbs until I saw them highlighted in yellow! I thought the first paragraph was chock-full of active verbs (split, slicing, arcing, digging) but then it does fade away.<br /><br />And as I said over on Dianne's blog, I want to know the MC's name right from the beginning!Joanne R. Fritzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08076959910493197255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-78185703003300688302013-01-05T10:57:04.424-05:002013-01-05T10:57:04.424-05:00that's a rather hot book coverthat's a rather hot book coverDEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-38395362578501660802013-01-05T09:16:30.863-05:002013-01-05T09:16:30.863-05:00Nice critique :)Nice critique :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-70430233302774690152013-01-04T20:46:56.873-05:002013-01-04T20:46:56.873-05:00Laura, thank you for submitting! I liked the openi...Laura, thank you for submitting! I liked the opening paragraph. I think I didn't like the telling so much because I wanted to know more about everything, more about the characters and the setting and what the conflict was. But you're right, slowing things down to do that might slow the pace too much, and this is a short story, so - it's a dilemma for sure!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-63524277289535094572013-01-04T15:11:34.546-05:002013-01-04T15:11:34.546-05:00I have to say, I do like strong action verbs. :) ...I have to say, I do like strong action verbs. :) But this is an interesting glimpse at the story. Spot on critique as always, Marcy. Luanne G. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15762881276976395955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-55095999875927487702013-01-04T13:28:37.069-05:002013-01-04T13:28:37.069-05:00Openings are tough for me--orienting the reader, g...Openings are tough for me--orienting the reader, giving enough info to make the character "known," and keeping things going. Thanks for your pointing out that choosing more active verbs can be helpful. :)<br /><br />Susan--Aww, thanks so much for your positive words! Glad you liked it. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-54903033836612239202013-01-04T10:24:27.556-05:002013-01-04T10:24:27.556-05:00Wow. I'm impressed. I already commented over a...Wow. I'm impressed. I already commented over at Dianne's place, but you know what? I didn't even notice the preponderance of "to be" verbs in this piece. Usually, that sort of thing bugs me, but I didn't even notice this time. Either that means I wasn't paying attention... or I like the piece so much, it didn't matter. To tell the truth, I think it was the latter. Although now that you mention it, more action verbs would make this piece even better.Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-4038877538943002842013-01-04T09:45:12.861-05:002013-01-04T09:45:12.861-05:00Just out and about doing some catching up. Love th...Just out and about doing some catching up. Love these 'First Impressions' That last one was super.<br /><br />Being the person your dog thinks you are - a most worthy goal. I miss having a dog, but here in the tropics it's a real ordeal for both the human and the dog.<br /><br />44 Books - Wow! I sat down the other day and tried to comprise a list of the books I read in 2012. I should have kept tabs throughout the year, but you did remind me o three that I had missed. My goal for 2013 is to read at least 2 a month, for a grand total of 24.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-45341143502664893932013-01-04T09:31:07.135-05:002013-01-04T09:31:07.135-05:00Cool concept. This is great advice too. Cool concept. This is great advice too. Mina Burrowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14483363743530076604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-10343339215963750672013-01-04T07:30:19.173-05:002013-01-04T07:30:19.173-05:00Agree. There needs to be more show. I felt a littl...Agree. There needs to be more show. I felt a little muddled when reading it.<br /><br />Hugs and chocolate,<br />Shellyshellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09596621767297173021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8733289016000331233.post-26450819796605812402013-01-04T07:01:48.194-05:002013-01-04T07:01:48.194-05:00Agree - less was and were.Agree - less was and were.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com