what not to do

when you're newly divorced and eager to date your neighbor...

1. If you're trying to impress, I would advise against the sweatpants and the stained sleeveless tee that doesn't quite hide the beer belly.

2. Generally speaking, ranting about the ex-wife and how your lawyer is going to make sure she gets nothing will not endear you to anyone.

3. When she says she doesn't date, it means she isn't interested in dating you; walk away.

4. When she says she's a vegetarian, do NOT bring her a plate that has barbequed drumsticks on it. Chickens are meat.

5. When delivering said plate, it might be best not to reek of liquor. Just a thought.


What a shame I didn't have this printed up the other night; it would've come in handy...