Our second submission of the month comes from Em Salgado. This is the first page of her YA Paranormal. My comments, as always, are in purple. Go here to see Dianne's comments.
“Excuse me, are you Jack Thorn?”
I turned around and there was a short, reed thin man staring at me with a timid look on his face, as if he was afraid I’d say no. Or was he afraid I’d say yes? I shrugged my shoulders and answered, (period, I think) “I am, and you are?”
He took a quick step forward, entering my personal space
“Hey what’s your problem?”
I rubbed (rubbed what? I’m guessing eyes but I think it should be clear) as a burning sensation went straight to my brain. My whole head felt on fire for a moment. Then, just as suddenly
Suddenly I was face to face with an emaciated, green colored thing that resembled the man from before. His thin smirk was creepy on his face, complete with pointed chin and skin that looked stretched so tight it might tear at any second. He put a bone thin finger to his lips and when he giggled the sound was harsh and biting like rocks crashing into each other. I think you could cut the word count in this paragraph to make this whole scene more immediate. Just a thought.
“If you talk to me now, people will think you’re crazy. Only you can see me at this point in time. Follow me for answers, or stay here looking like you’ve seen a ghost. The choice is yours.” Now we’re getting somewhere :)
The only other thing I'll say is that few people would be eager to follow some creepy green guy unless given a very good reason. You might want to hint at what sort of answers green guy is offering in order to make the reader believe that that the mc would follow. On the other hand, your page two might very well address that so... take anything I've said with that in mind. And remember, this is a single opinion only. Dianne may have something entirely different to say.