Our third and final submission for the month of June comes from Brea. Here is the first page of her YA paranormal romance with my comments in purple.
The flat tone of the monitor reverberated through my head as my mother’s now-lifeless hand began to turn cold in mine. I stared into her empty eyes as a doctor came in and pronounced her time of death. A nurse reached over and disconnected the monitors, asking if I needed anything. “I’m fine,” I insisted. Since no one has asked before I might leave out this tag.
“Take as long as you need,” the doctor told me quietly.
In all honesty, I couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital. I was sick of the cold, sterile environment. I was tired of their sympathetic looks. There was no reason to remain there now that my mother was officially gone. (I like this inner dialogue plus it lets the reader know she's probably been there a while.) “It’s okay, you can take her now. I’ve already said my goodbyes.”
“We’ll call you when her remains are ready,” the doctor informed me.
I remained in the chair and watched as they covered my mother’s body. (I wonder if they would actually do that while she’s still there. Just asking…) They brought in a stretcher and moved her from the hospital bed, and then wheeled her out of the room. Everything felt as though it was moving in slow motion. I wished they would hurry up so I could get out of there. I followed them out of the door and watched until they reached the elevator. When the doors closed, cutting off my view of her for the last time, I finally gathered my things and began to leave.
“Excuse me, Miss Davenport?” a voice stopped me in the hall.
Hmmm . . . I’d never been called “Miss” before. “Yes?” I turned—and froze. (Does she freeze simply because he’s hot? Would she? Just asking…again. You could delete that and just say ‘I turned to find a golden god standing before me.’ Or something like that.) Standing behind me was a man who could only be described as a golden god. I realized my jaw had dropped open slightly and I quickly shut it before the heavenly vision positioned directly across from me noticed my brief stupidity. I rapidly looked him over, praying he wouldn’t notice my scrutiny. He had slightly spiked sandy hair that was bleached even lighter by the sun. He had a golden surfer tan. Oh, and he was wearing a police uniform. I like this last paragraph except for one thing. She’s just lost her mom and now she’s suddenly ready to drool over this guy? Would she really notice how good looking he is or would there be other things that might strike her at this particular moment? Especially things that might hint at what’s coming, like the police uniform. I’d almost want to save her admiration of him for a slightly later spot, when whatever grief she has for her mom’s passing isn’t as raw. Unless of course she isn’t sad…Overall this does set up some interesting questions, like, how did her mom die? And why is this hot policeman here?
If you would like to comment on Brea’s first page please do so on the condition you are helpful and kind. If you would like to offer your first page for July please email me, or Dianne. And if you want to know what Dianne has to say about this piece go here.
I commented over on Dianne's blog as well, so I won't repeat myself, except to say that your suggestion, Marcy, is a nice solution--having her more gradually notice his attractiveness, or waiting until another time entirely so the contrast between grief and *sa-woon* isn't so stark. Again I'll say it, though--really nice job, Brea. A ton of potential here, and I'd keep reading!ReplyDelete
I thought she did a really good job and deserves a pat on the back. But, you're right about the hot policeman with her mother just dead...easily fixed, tho. Don't give up, lots of interest here!!ReplyDelete