Friday, June 1, 2012

first impressions - Realm 17

Out first submission for this month comes from Christine. This is the first page of her book, a YA paranormal titled Realm 17. My comments will be in purple. I hope you will add your own and if you want to know what Dianne Salerni thought about his piece, check out her blog, In High Spirits.

Colored light stretches across the floor of the landing. I look up to see the same angel with her arms spread, her yellow hair flowing, and rainbow colored glass surrounding her form. I know I’m dead, but really, do they have to remind me at every turn.(there should be question mark after 'every turn.' Cool beginning and great voice!
Death is a strange beast. You hear so many theories on what it’s like on the other side. Then you hear about those people who died for like a minute, and then came back from the dead claiming they heard angels, saw a white light, and felt calm and peaceful.
            It’s totally not true.
Realm 17 has been nothing but one big bore-fest except for this part of my day. For six months, I’ve repeated this routine. I scoot back onto the window seat and adjust a button on my white oxford shirt. Each follicle of hair hurts because I’ve tied it back in a ponytail every day. You know--the rules.
            Students pass by all wearing the same thing--white shirt, black skirt or pants, and black shoes. They walk up the steps to class in one heaping mass of spirits. Then I see him.
Asher.
He comes up from the bottom floor, taking each step just like the others, but slows on the landing, glancing at me. A black curl falls over his left eye and is accompanied with a smile creeping up his cheek--typical hot boy in sea of monotony, and I like it.(love that) He turns and follows the others to class.
“Becca.” Kat waves her fingers in front of my view.
I look at her, hoping that my narrowed eyes give a hint of disappointment. “You’re totally ruining my day.”

Wow. I really liked this and can't think of anything else to crit. I would definitely read on to find out whether Realm 17 is like a way station for the dead or something more...permanent. Interesting concept and great voice which gives me a character to like. What more can I say? 

But what do you think, gentle reader? Liked it? If so why? And if not, what fell flat for you? Lastly, if you're interested, Dianne and I still have two slots open for July. Care to submit your first page?

13 comments:

  1. Looks like an interesting read and the way the speaker's idea flows is captivating. Yes, a must read indeed. Thanks for sharing the excerpt.

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  2. i think this story will be a not so typical ya paranormal in a sea of monotony! nice job!

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  3. I already commented at Dianne's, but wanted to stop by to say two more things:

    First, great work, Marcy! You've given Christine some great advice.

    Second, I know Christine a little bit from the internet, and I just wanted to say I think this photo of you is adorable! Good luck with this story.

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  4. Other than the first paragraph (where I didn't realize the angel was actually a glass window), the voice and premise really have me intrigued. This is where I would turn to the back cover to find out more. :)

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  5. it was good--but i don't like to think of death not being peaceful:)

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  6. Thank you so much Marcy. This is very helpful. Thanks to those who have commented, your feedback is helpful as well.
    Thanks again!

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  7. Yes, I agree, Marcy! It's a very intriguing premise and great start!

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  9. Hi Marcy. I'm right there with you. I loved it and definitely would have read on... Great Job, Christine!

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  10. Thank you everyone for checking out Christine's first page! And don't forget to check out what Dianne had to say. She made some great suggestions, too.

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  11. Love it Christine! Agree with you Marcy, this is a great start.

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  12. I liked it. Good voice and pacing. Like the alternate world tie in. Very clever phrasing. I think I liked the sense of repetition best. Just enough to show the monotony, without overwhelming the short excerpt. Again, that returns to phrasing; no repeats to show repetition.

    Well drawn main characters.

    ........dhole

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