Christine. This is the first page of her book, a YA paranormal titled Realm 17. My comments will be in purple. I hope you will add your own and if you want to know what Dianne Salerni thought about his piece, check out her blog, In High Spirits.
Colored light stretches across the floor of the landing. I look up to see the same angel with her arms spread, her yellow hair flowing, and rainbow colored glass surrounding her form. I know I’m dead, but really, do they have to remind me at every turn.(there should be question mark after 'every turn.' Cool beginning and great voice!
Death is a strange beast. You hear so many theories on what it’s like on the other side. Then you hear about those people who died for like a minute, and then came back from the dead claiming they heard angels, saw a white light, and felt calm and peaceful.
It’s totally not true.
Realm 17 has been nothing but one big bore-fest except for this part of my day. For six months, I’ve repeated this routine. I scoot back onto the window seat and adjust a button on my white oxford shirt. Each follicle of hair hurts because I’ve tied it back in a ponytail every day. You know--the rules.
Students pass by all wearing the same thing--white shirt, black skirt or pants, and black shoes. They walk up the steps to class in one heaping mass of spirits. Then I see him.
He comes up from the bottom floor, taking each step just like the others, but slows on the landing, glancing at me. A black curl falls over his left eye and is accompanied with a smile creeping up his cheek--typical hot boy in sea of monotony, and I like it.(love that) He turns and follows the others to class.
“Becca.” Kat waves her fingers in front of my view.I look at her, hoping that my narrowed eyes give a hint of disappointment. “You’re totally ruining my day.”
Wow. I really liked this and can't think of anything else to crit. I would definitely read on to find out whether Realm 17 is like a way station for the dead or something more...permanent. Interesting concept and great voice which gives me a character to like. What more can I say?
But what do you think, gentle reader? Liked it? If so why? And if not, what fell flat for you? Lastly, if you're interested, Dianne and I still have two slots open for July. Care to submit your first page?