Friday, July 6, 2012

First Impressions - Dark One's Mistress


Our second submission f the month comes from Aldrea Alien who can be found at Thardrandian Thoughts. This is the first page of her Adult Fantasy, Dark One's Mistress. My comments will be in purple and be sure to see what Dianne had to say about this over at her blog, In High Spirits

“Clarabelle!” The cry rang out across the street, scattering the pigeons resting atop the roofs and sending the nearby cats into a fit of hissing as they scampered for cover. I immediately get the feeling of a city with rooftops and pigeons in which case I doubt these city cats would pay much attention to a bit of shouting – imo. And I cut that bit only because I think it reads better, more smoothly. Again, just my opinion.

Clara halted on the edge of the street, her face burning as the echo of her mother’s manly bellow continued. (Is this the first time her mother has called for her in such fashion? Just asking…) All around her, men and women paused in their daily business. The street gained an eerie silence. In the past, she’d heard worldlier folk boast that such deathly quiet could only be heard here in Everdark.

Then someone coughed, another person sneezed, and the sounds flooded back. The hum of talk. The clink of coins. A few turned to stare at her, the young woman in question, but mostly, the irate cry seemed to be forgotten. Again, if this is a city, I would think mothers hollering for their kids would be fairly commonplace, after all, cities are noisy places. But perhaps there’s a reason for Clara’s mother to be yelling…

A sigh huffed through her lips. Why does she have to scream like that? She contented herself with the roll of her eyes, wishing the heat in her cheeks would fade. It wasn’t as if she was some small child. She knew her duties well. Knew the streets even better. I cut that bit because I like this inner dialogue and wanted to stick with it. And I wonder what Clara’s duties are…But I also wonder why part of Clara's thoughts are italicized but not the rest.

She shuffled her burden: bread, cheese, a skin of goat’s milk and a tiny, dog-eared book on the world beyond. The last was for herself. Literally titled The World Beyond. Beyond what, she didn’t know, but it sounded intriguing.

In the pit of her stomach, Clara knew concern hadn’t driven her mother’s voice. She’d taken too long, pure and simple. It wasn’t her fault the baker’s son had gone missing was it now? She’ll find some way to blame it on me. I’m a little confused here by how these sentences are connected. On the one hand Clara thinks her mother isn’t concerned. On the other, she knows she’s taken too long with her errands, hence her mother yelling for her (I assume). But what does the missing baker’s son have to do with it and why would Clara be blamed? Is her mother just angry/impatient or did you mean to say her mother was concerned precisely because of the missing boy?

Knowing her mother, she’d have expected Clara to come running back. Oh yes, my burden is ever so light. And if she fell and ruined it all? Why she’d be treated to one of her mother’s clips over the ear. Or worse, she could twist her ankle on the uneven stones that dared to be called a road. Nature could’ve made a better surface than this. She could’ve sworn she’d heard her mother saying they were repairing the roads.
Or had she meant the Road? (oh, and what Road might that be?)

Her gaze lifted to the shadowy bulk of the citadel perched atop Mount Winding.

Aldrea has actually submitted her first chapter over at Unicorn Bell, so if you would like to read more, head on over and check it out! Meanwhile, I'm going to reiterate my thoughts about Clara's age, which is stated as 17 further along in the chapter. The trouble is she acts younger, so I would either change her age to 13/14 or, make her act more grown up.  

I do like the way the description is placed which gives me a picture of this place as Clara makes her way home and I also like the little things that are thrown in to pique my curiosity like the missing baker's boy and the roads vs The Road, which has a distinctly ominous feel to it. These are all good reasons for me to read on and find out more about Clara.

4 comments:

  1. I made a comment over at Dianne's blog but something I notice here has to do with the paragraph involving the missing baker's son. The sequence of sentences left me with the impression that Clara thinks her mother will find some way to blame her for the boy being missing. Perhaps clarification of what Clara thinks she'll get blamed for could help that, or just a shuffle of the sentences.

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  2. I'm with Angela, that paragraph made me stumble and re-read. A little fine tuning will fix that easy enough.

    I agree with all of your comments as well.

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  3. I already commented on Dianne's blog, but wanted to see what you had to say. (Spot on, as always.) I'm surprised to see Clara is only seventeen. It's probably because I'm a little more (ahem) mature than the rest of you, but when I read "young woman" I thought she was older than that. Just a matter of perspective, I suppose. I have to agree with Angela and DL about that paragraph being a little muddled. Still, a great start.

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