first impressions - Patriots

 Our first first impression for March comes from Sal Cuciti. He doesn't have a website or a blog, but he does have a pretty nice motorcycle, don't you think?

Here is the first page of his Adult mystery. My comments will be in purple and do head over to see what Dianne Salerni had to say about this piece. 

Patriots - Chapter 1

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil – Psalm 23

The moon over the orchard followed me, lighting my way across the fields, and the last traces of purple sunset stained the sky over the mountains. It was the last full moon before Halloween. A blood moon, or a harvest  moon, I wasn't sure. (Are they the same or different? Either way, it seems like an omen of what's to come...) The moon seemed to fly through the gnarled branches of the apple trees as I gunned the old Truimph down the road. I was flying too, following invisible lines of perfection in the curves and hills. The growl of the exhaust pipes stretched out behind me, and wind noise surrounded me. I shifted down a gear, gave her some throttle and leaned into the turn. The motorcycle tracked a perfect line, with no correction needed, and screamed out the exit as if to rip the asphalt, lifting the front wheel, singing a like tenor in third gear, trying to tear itself out from under me. I tightened my grip. In the dim light the landscape rushed past us in a blur. My thoughts, my rambling chattering conscious brain hushed and paid homage to this moment; a second from destruction and content to be so. There was just the road and the howling motorcycle, the peace and the danger, the red moon and me. I like the imagery of this first paragraph. I can almost feel what it might be like to be on that motorcycle, flying through the night by the light of a harvest moon.  

That moon had gotten to me, it had come in through my windows with promises to light my way.( I suggest cutting this for two reasons. One the paragraph above lets us know our narrator in intrigued by the moon and two, this way you don't start two paragraphs in a row with moon in the first sentence) An hour ago I had been standing in my living room staring up at it. I found myself a few minutes later, lacing up my boots in the garage and looking for my helmet. (hmm, what made him want to go for a ride, I wonder? Was it just the moon or something else?) The old familiar fear came again, (fear of what?) tickling my nervous system and the pit of my stomach with butterflies. I took a deep breath and shook my head and studied the motorcyle. The faces of friends who have died or been hurt came back to me as I buckled the helmet, tickled the carb and kicked the starter. (why does he think of these dead friends? Were they hurt or killed while riding? If so I might make that clear here.) It’s a feeling of dread which experienced motorcyclists know too well. But it quickly went away of course. And so did I, out to race the red moon, to find a friend, for a pint of ale and some talk. I wanted to talk politics, dharma, some Buddhist teachings, football, anything to let out this restlessness inside me. And drink beer and eat wings. A spiritual journey does not mean necessarily bread and water. Not for me, Adam Paradise.

This is an interesting set up and even though nothing has happened yet the talk of the blood moon and death makes me think it will - and soon. The only thing I might like more of is a little more insight into our narrator's fear. Is it the fear associated with riding and knowing how often motorcycles aren't seen? Did this happen recently to the narrator? If so I might add something about the incident here. It doesn't have to be the whole story and I think just a hint would be intriguing but doing so would set up more of a connection between the reader and the narrator, which in turn will make the reader more inclined to turn the page. But that's just my opinion. What do you guys think? Care to offer Sal any suggestions on his first page?

A big thanks to Sal for his first page :)

Monday, we will have our second first impression for March - NOT ME, a YA thriller.