first impressions - SAVING DANGER

Wow, is it August already? How the heck did that happen? I don't know about you but summer always flies by way too fast. I wish it would be long and horribly drawn out - like winter. Anyway. It is August and the beginning of the month which means it's time for first impressions again, where you submit your first page and Dianne Salerni and I crit it. Today we have the first page of Theresa's MG Contemporary Fantasy, SAVING DANGER. My comments will be in purple and do head over to Dianne's place to see what she thought about this first page. 

 

I stared in disdain at my reflection. The Pepto-Bismol pink confection stared back at me as I tugged one of the many ruffles strangling my gown. The color clashed with the beachy-vibe of the high-ceilinged hotel room. “It looks like a cupcake vomited on me.” Although this is mostly just a brief description of the gown, I've heard it said more than once not to begin in front of a mirror. That said, I like the analogy :)

Grandma Rosa stood next to the mirror. At the same time, she chuckled and stared at me sternly. A magnificent feat. She responded in her faint Italian accent, “It’s not so terrible.”
  

I scowled. “Does she think I’m the same age as Danger?” In a few short hours, Danger would be my stepbrother. I didn’t know whether it would be worse to be stuck with him or (should it be "him AND his plastic mother"?) his plastic (nice description, I get an immediate picture in my mind of someone who wears too much make-up) mother for the rest of my life. “I’m thirteen—not five.”

She sighed. “Your father sure knows how to pick ‘em.” Grandmother pursed her lips, realizing her comment not only bashed Erin, soon-to-be Stepzilla, but also my real mother. “What I mean is—”

“Don’t worry about it, Grandma Rosa.” I ignored the dropping-an-anchor down-my-stomach sensation that always followed the mention of my real mother and forced a fake smile. “If this is what she thinks her junior bridesmaid should look like, I can’t wait to see her gown.” I wished I could wear Grandma Rosa’s head-to-toe black, which resembled my usual uniform. The reference to mourning wasn’t lost on me. “What do you think she’ll say when she sees your dress?”

We didn’t have to wait long to find out. Erin, her head a mountain of curling-iron-created curls peeked into the room—without having the courtesy to knock. Her coif contrasted with her t-shirt in jeans. She’d probably wait until the last minute to change into her gown.

“Lulu—” Her eyes bugged out in a most (did you mean almost?) cartoon-like way. “Mother Rosa, what on earth… it’s a wedding, not a funeral. You’re changing into something more festive, right?”

Grandma gazed down at her dress, as if noticing it for the first time. She placed her fist on her chest. “In the Old Country this is how widows dress.” Is she a widow?

Erin placed her hands on her hips. “You haven’t lived in the ‘Old Country’ since you were a child.”

“I will always be Italian.”

Erin clamped her glossed lips in a grim line, her angry thoughts flickered in her eyes and across her tanned face. This strikes me as odd. Can our narrator actually see/read these thoughts?

Okay, so first I have to say that I am only an occasional reader of MG so all my comments need to be taken with that in mind. That said, a couple of words/phrases struck me as being non-MG (ie, words I wouldn't think a girl of twelve or thirteen would commonly use) : magnificent feat, coif, and festive. Other things struck me as perfect: the dress that looks like cupcake vomit, the plastic step-mother to be, the bugged out eyes. These helps me know and sympathize with the narrator because we've all been forced into clothes we didn't want to wear, and had to to put up with a relative we wished wasn't one. The only thing I might like to see added to this first page was a bit more regarding what happened to the narrator's mom. I love this hint: "I ignored the dropping-an-anchor down-my-stomach sensation that always followed the mention of my real mother and forced a fake smile." But I wonder if there should be more, or something stronger. I say this only because I'm thinking that the younger the audience, the more incentive they need to turn the page. But like I said, I'm not an expert on MG so I will happily bow to wiser minds than mine. 

Thoughts?