First Impressions - Out of Touch

For our first First Impression for November, we have Robin from The Daily Dose. This is the first page of her novel, OUT OF TOUCH, a Paranormal Mystery/Romance. My comments will be in purple and to say what Dianne Salerni thought of this first page, head over to her blog, In High Spirits. And don't forget to add your comments!

Chapter One

Until one Saturday morning in July I was only a mildly damaged seven year old kid living in a mostly dysfunctional house.  All of that changed when I went to the Patterson garage sale with my best friend, Franny, and her mom.

Like all self-respecting garage sale junkies, we arrived at the crack of dawn.  All of the good stuff was always gone by 7:30 a.m.  Mrs. Patterson's house was our first stop.   We had chosen it for two reasons:  the merchandise and the gossip were known to be in abundance.  Mr. Patterson up and left Mrs. Patterson about a month ago and tongues were wagging.    Mrs. Fitzgerald's eyes opened round as quarters when she saw the contents on the lawn. These seem like more adult thoughts than a seven year old. But that's just my subjective opinion. I also notice you put two spaces between sentences. Standard usage now says one space.

Franny said, "Do you think there is anything left in the house?"

Mrs. Fitzgerald didn't answer, but she hustled out of the car.  We bounded out after her.  It appeared that the house had vomited up the sum of its contents all over the yard.  I had never seen so  much furniture outside of a home.  I didn't have any money, but I still liked to look.

 It was when I picked up the an ivy trimmed teacup and... (I think if you write it this sentence with a more active voice it will be improved) that my entire life changed forever - and I can't say it was for the better.  A feeling of panic engulfed me and the following scene rolled out like a movie:  I  saw Mr. Patterson drink from that teacup, clutch his throat, while his face turned a mean red, and then he pitched face forward into the table and looked...dead.

The cup slipped from my hands, I started screaming, and I tripped and fell into a wheelbarrow that was parked on the grass and marked with a "For Sale" sticker.  Then it happened again...

This time the feeling was satisfaction.  But not the good kind.  It felt black and mean. (like this) And the image of Mrs. Patterson wheeling Mr. Patterson in the wheelbarrow across the backyard to the garage popped up like I was actually there.  She took a shovel, dug a grave, put his body in it, and parked her Oldsmobile (I would question whether a 7 year old would know what kind of car it was, just sayin...) right on top.  Her car, right this minute, was sitting on top of Mr. Patterson. 

That was when it sunk in that  I was sprawled where his dead body used to be.   I couldn't get out fast enough.  However, my brain and muscles were no longer working in tandem, so I just flailed around like a beached fish.  Mrs. Fitzgerald yanked me out and we all made a beeline to the car.

***

I like this beginning. I think the only thing I would change is to try and keep with the 7 year old voice even if it is a memory in the very beginning. I don't know too many 7 year old garage sale junkies. After she finds the cup however, the narration feels much more natural, more like the memory of a seven year old who is rightly horrified by this vision of what Mrs. Patterson did. Which makes me wonder what else she'll touch and see...

I would totally turn the page to find out what happens next. What about you? What did you think of Robin's first page? Oh, and Dianne and I still have one slot left for this month if you want some help polishing your first page. Instructions are on the sidebar, top right.

See you Monday with another Robin's first page and have a fabulous weekend :)