Back again today with our second First Impression of the month, this one from Robin Richards who blogs over at Your DailyDose. Here is the first page of OUT OF TOUCH, which you might remember from a previous First Impression...
It was astonishing, when a person actually thought about it, how little a resume revealed. For instance, whenever I touched an emotionally charged object, I saw and felt everything that person did. There was not one word about this "gift" littered in amongst my vast and dismal Job History, Experience, or Education. I closed my eyes and pondered that bizarre fact, as well as the exhilarating idea, that my visions, for the first time, were not going to ruin a job for me. I was Julia Roberts becoming my own Pretty Woman and I gleamed shiny as a newly minted silver dollar. I traced my finger over today's date on my calendar and was tempted to write down "promotion" to inspire destiny to hurry.
Roger Brown stood over my desk. My boss. "Gigi, can I see you in my office please?" I smoothed down my suit jacket and tried, with a modicum of success, to erase the goofy grin painted on my lips. Destiny had arrived wearing a golf shirt and Polo and wanted a private meeting.
He settled into his chair, cleared his throat, and fidgeted with his name plate. When I sat down the sharp pain in my thigh caught me off guard. I groped for the offending object and was assaulted by a vision when my fingers made contact.(Too passive. )
I was (was is too passive a verb here, how about, 'I groped for the offending object and the second my fingers made contact a wave of desperation and lust slammed into me.' Or something like that.) swamped by desperation and lust. I saw my co-worker, and biggest competition for the Publicist position, Bambi, half naked. Roger tore off his clothes in an effort to catch up. When he dropped the cufflink, the connection was severed.
I stared at my hand, and the cufflink, in horror. I wanted to take a bath in rubbing alcohol.
"....understand that Bambi is more qualified for the promotion," he said.
Bile rose in my throat. Bambi stooped lower than I dreamed possible to beat me out of a promotion. And Roger... it disgusted me (telling. I'd delete the whole sentence, that way I see her thinking about Roger and Bambii, then shaking her head, obviously disgusted, without you, the author, telling me.) that he fell for Bambi's obvious move to pull herself up the ladder. I shook my head in an effort to erase the scene of them together.
"I realize that this is a tough break," Roger said, "but refusing to accept it doesn't change anything."
" I know this is a disappointment. "
This was more than a disappointment. This changed how I felt about Roger as a boss. As a man. As a human being. "You and Bambi have (did you mean had?) sex...." Time stopped. My brain reconnected to my mouth and I sat there frozen in horror. I wanted to suck the words back in, but it was too late. The damage was done.
My first thought is that this is better. My second is that it can still be improved a wee bit. Here's how I might revise that first paragraph:
It was astonishing, when a person actually thought about it, how little a resume revealed. For example, there was absolutely nothing in mine to suggest I had the ability to touch an emotionally charged object and see and feel everything that person did. Or the fact that my little 'gift' had sabotaged every job I'd ever had. Until now.
I closed my eyes and pondered that bizarre fact, as well as the exhilarating idea, that my visions, for the first time, were not going to ruin a job for me. I was Julia Roberts becoming my own Pretty Woman and I gleamed shiny as a newly minted silver dollar. I traced my finger over today's date on my calendar and was tempted to write down "promotion" to inspire destiny to hurry.
The rest of the changes I'd make are noted above. But remember, this is just my subjective opinion. Readers, what do you think?And do head over to Dianne's blog to see what she thought of Robin's first page. Monday we'll have our final FP for the month.
Have a fabulous weekend!