Friday, September 5, 2014

First Impressions - Out of Touch


Back again today with our second First Impression of the month, this one from Robin Richards who blogs over at Your DailyDose. Here is the first page of OUT OF TOUCH, which you might remember from a previous First Impression...

Chapter One
It was astonishing, when a person actually thought about it, how little a resume revealed. For instance, whenever I touched an emotionally charged object, I saw and felt everything that person did. There was not one word about this "gift" littered in amongst my vast and dismal Job History, Experience, or Education. I closed my eyes and pondered that bizarre fact, as well as the exhilarating idea, that my visions, for the first time, were not going to ruin a job for me. I was Julia Roberts becoming my own Pretty Woman and I gleamed shiny as a newly minted silver dollar. I traced my finger over today's date on my calendar and was tempted to write down "promotion" to inspire destiny to hurry.
Roger Brown stood over my desk. My boss. "Gigi, can I see you in my office please?" I smoothed down my suit jacket and tried, with a modicum of success, to erase the goofy grin painted on my lips. Destiny had arrived wearing a golf shirt and Polo and wanted a private meeting.
He settled into his chair, cleared his throat, and fidgeted with his name plate. When I sat down the sharp pain in my thigh caught me off guard. I groped for the offending object and was assaulted by a vision when my fingers made contact.(Too passive. )
I was (was is too passive a verb here, how about, 'I groped for the offending object and the second my fingers made contact a wave of desperation and lust slammed into me.' Or something like that.) swamped by desperation and lust. I saw my co-worker, and biggest competition for the Publicist position, Bambi, half naked. Roger tore off his clothes in an effort to catch up. When he dropped the cufflink, the connection was severed.
I stared at my hand, and the cufflink, in horror. I wanted to take a bath in rubbing alcohol.
"....understand that Bambi is more qualified for the promotion," he said.
Bile rose in my throat. Bambi stooped lower than I dreamed possible to beat me out of a promotion. And Roger... it disgusted me (telling. I'd delete the whole sentence, that way I see her thinking about Roger and Bambii, then shaking her head, obviously disgusted, without you, the author, telling me.) that he fell for Bambi's obvious move to pull herself up the ladder. I shook my head in an effort to erase the scene of them together.
"I realize that this is a tough break," Roger said, "but refusing to accept it doesn't change anything."
"What?"
" I know this is a disappointment. "
This was more than a disappointment. This changed how I felt about Roger as a boss. As a man. As a human being. "You and Bambi have (did you mean had?) sex...." Time stopped. My brain reconnected to my mouth and I sat there frozen in horror. I wanted to suck the words back in, but it was too late. The damage was done.
***

My first thought is that this is better. My second is that it can still be improved a wee bit. Here's how I might revise that first paragraph:

It was astonishing, when a person actually thought about it, how little a resume revealed. For example, there was absolutely nothing in mine to suggest I had the ability to touch an emotionally charged object and see and feel everything that person did. Or the fact that my little 'gift' had sabotaged every job I'd ever had. Until now.
I closed my eyes and pondered that bizarre fact, as well as the exhilarating idea, that my visions, for the first time, were not going to ruin a job for me. I was Julia Roberts becoming my own Pretty Woman and I gleamed shiny as a newly minted silver dollar. I traced my finger over today's date on my calendar and was tempted to write down "promotion" to inspire destiny to hurry.

The rest of the changes I'd make are noted above. But remember, this is just my subjective opinion. Readers, what do you think?And do head over to Dianne's blog to see what she thought of Robin's first page. Monday we'll have our final FP for the month.

Have a fabulous weekend!

11 comments:

  1. I remember the first version - this one is much better! More active.

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  2. Great start! I don't think I read the first version, so I can't say. I do think that your rewording of the first paragraph is MUCH more powerful. I was thinking, as I read it, that it was strong but a little too long.

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  3. I don't think I saw the first version, either. But I agree with Stephanie on your rewording of the first paragraph.

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  4. Wow, Robin's made lots of changes from the first version, and I definitely think this version is stronger. I also agree with Marcy's additional tweaks. This story is gonna be GOOD. Keep writing, Robin!

    On another note, Marcy, that header picture! I'd love to sit out on the end of that pier with a fishing pole in my hand, just watching the world go by. (I MIGHT even put bait on the hook...)

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  5. I'm going against popular opinion, but I liked that first version better, once suggested changes were applied. But of course, that's only my opinion, for what it's worth. If you stick with this version, I'd still rather see the first paragraph start with Roger standing at her desk. That way, your story starts with action, not thinking. Try flip-flopping the first and second paragraphs...it could work? My only other suggestion is to keep watching your modifiers. Every time you put a "bizarre" in front of "fact" or an "exhilarating" in front of "idea," you slow down your writing. Not to say we can't ever use modifiers, but in the vernacular, less IS more (I had to stop myself from saying, so very much more! See how easy it is to fall into the trap?) :) Keep going, Robin. I still love the idea of her secret ability. You have an awesome story here!

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  6. Oh and Marcy, I love, love, love your masthead picture. I want to be there. Right now.

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  7. I didn't see the first version. This sounds like it could be a really fun one to read. But the problems I see here are that overall I think the writing could be tighter, there's more telling than showing, and some of your nouns and verbs are not as strong as they could be.

    Don't be discouraged. You're off to a good start!

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  8. I love that you and Dianne do this every month for writers, and I think it's really cool that you manage to come up with different suggestions.

    And your beautiful photo is making me homesick for Maine. I was there three weeks ago!

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  9. Thank you, Marcy (and Dianne) for the excellent suggestions. Big thanks to everyone else who commented. I will get there slowly... but surely!

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  10. my husband of 9years left me just because i could not give him A child, i did all i could to make sure i give him a child, i even went to an extent of forcing him to have sex with me every night but could not work. not untill one evening when i was browsing through the internet, i saw a comment on how a woman in same problem like mine was made home by A man called Dr Alusi. i read about him and decided to contact him for help, i did as he ask me to do but i was still wondering how can someone just bring back my love he don't even know but i keep doing as he ask me to do. i was very surprise one morning my husband came and started begging me to come back to his life. at first i pretend to be angry then i accepted him back. Dr Alusi also cast a spell for me to make me have children and as i speak right now i am a mother with 3kids. if there is any one out there who needs his help you can contact him through his personal EMAIL: alusispellcaster@gmail.com. i wish you good luck

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  11. Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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    Obat Pilek Menahun
    Obat Alami Batu Empedu
    Obat Lupus
    Obat Ginjal Bocor
    Obat Infeksi Lambung
    Penyebab TBC Kelenjar
    Obat Gatal Bibir Vagina
    Cara Menghilangkan Infeksi Jantung
    Obat Penyakit Jantung

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