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Impressions is back with a new first page! Don't know about First Impressions? It's easy and it's fun. All you have to do is send your first page to either of us along with genre, age group intended for, and a pic - either of you or something related to your tale - and we'll critique that first page on both our blogs. Check out my side-bar for more info.
Today we have the first page
of SUMMER'S ALMOST OVER, an adult romance from Liz. As always, you can
find out what Dianne K.Salerni thought about this first page at her place.
SUMMER'S
ALMOST OVER
Sophie pasted on a
fake smile as she leaned out the window of her taco stand—The Sandy
Tortilla—and handed an order of carne asada quesadillas (should this be italicized?) to a woman who was
obviously one half of a newlywed couple.
She’d been working
the stand for enough summers to recognize the glow of the newly hitched, even
without the enormous diamonds . (does Sophie know they're real diamonds? Can she tell or does she guess?) The way they looked at each other with moons in
their eyes; how the men couldn’t stand more than two inches away from their
wives; the women in their honeymoon swimming suits.
Yes, Sophie she'd had
seen enough newlyweds to overdose on sweetness without even getting a taste of
sugar. Her stomach lurched (lol!)as she returned to the orders hanging above her
grill. She focused on tossing the chicken onto the flattop, slathering the
cilantro spread on the tortilla, and crisping up the chips. Love this paragraph.
With her utmost
concentration on her cooking, she didn’t have room to obsess over Mark. Aha!
“Chicken verde,”
she called out the window, and a teenage girl stepped forward. At least she
wasn’t in her mid-twenties with a huge rock on her finger.
Sophie glanced
down at her left hand, where, until recently, she had worn a gold band
with a single diamond on it. With a little imagination, she could see a tan
line where the ring had sat for nine months.
Mark didn’t want
to set a date, something that frustrated Sophie. She liked deadlines, and
making lists, and meeting goals. Without a date for the wedding, she couldn’t
plan the event.
Which is just
fine now, she told herself as she dropped an order of taquitos into the
fryer.
“We’ll need more
chips,” Jenna said over her shoulder as she put up yet another order.
“On it.”
Jenna had one year
of high school left, and Sophie knew she needed money for college. Sophie was
more than happy to help her—she was tan and blonde, which attracted customers.
Even better, Jenna was never late.
***
My thoughts: Aside from what I noted, I really liked this first page. My only suggestion might be to move the third paragraph to the second position so we get to see who Sophie is sooner. I really like the way this is set up, too, with Sophie cooking and thinking about what's going on but without telling us everything, which makes us want to read more. I sure want to know why Sophie isn't wearing that ring anymore!
Nice first page, Liz! And thanks for sharing :)
You're right, that third paragraph is great. Either move it higher or make the ones before it zing with the same personality.
ReplyDeleteExactly!
DeleteAlso agree!
ReplyDeleteYes. On all levels.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice here, and I'm already wondering what happened, but I think it could be tightened up. Give your readers credit for figuring some things out on their own...and keep more of a mystery so they turn the pages. Remember, every single word should be necessary to the story. If you can get along without it, then do. I hope you don't mind, but I took a stab at it. Regardless, let me assure you that this IS a story I would want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSophie pasted on a smile as she leaned out the window of The Sandy Tortilla and handed an order of Carne Asada quesadillas to a woman who was obviously half of a newlywed couple.
She’d been working the stand long enough to recognize the glow of the newly hitched, even minus the enormous diamonds. The way they looked at each other with moons in their eyes; the men standing no less than two inches from their wives; the women in their honeymoon swim suits. [What is a honeymoon swim suit?] She’d had seen so many newlyweds, she could about overdose on their sweetness. Sophia returned to the orders hanging above her grill and began tossing the chicken onto the flattop, slathering the cilantro spread on the tortilla, and crisping up the chips.
“Chicken verde,” she called out the window. A teenage girl stepped forward. At least this one wasn’t in her mid-twenties with a huge rock weighing down her finger.
Sophie glanced down at her left hand, where a white line glowed on her fourth finger.
“We’ll need more chips,” Jenna said over her shoulder as she put up yet another order.
“On it.”
Jenna had one year of high school left, and she needed money for college. Sophie was more than happy to give her the work—she was tan and blonde, which attracted customers. Even better, Jenna was never late.
And also, this made me hungry! :)
I posted on Dianne's page but I'm swinging by to tell Liz again how much I enjoyed her excerpt! :)
ReplyDeleteme is a bit hungry now..
ReplyDelete