First Impressions - Evergreen

Welcome again to First Impressions, whereby we (Dianne Salerni, Krystalyn Drown, and yours truly) critique someone's first page. For our second submission this month we have the first page of Christy Hintz's YA contemporary, EVERGREEN.

Everything looks perfect.  Strings of red lights drape across the ceiling and dangle from the center of the gymnasium, cloaking all the dancers in crimson. 

            Everything sounds perfect.  The music is upbeat, the bass a perfect volume, not that crass loud overbearing beat that makes everyone's ears bleed and heart hurt.  Not like last week's prom at East High--which naturally I crashed to be sure I didn't overlook any details.  Nope, my prom is nothing like that.  Everyone is laughing and having a good time.  I circulate, smiling at my classmates, nodding at their dress and accessory choices.  The food table is topped off.  The chaperons are keeping their distance.

            I approach a girl standing at the foot of the bleachers. I tap her bare, brown shoulder.  "Where have you been?"

            She's wearing a strapless, short black dress, one electric blue heel and one emerald green heel.  Her nails are each painted a different color of the rainbow, and today her eyes are a natural brown.  A thick strand of her black hair matches the electric blue shoe.

            "Bathroom."  She turns toward me.  "I sat on the seat and everything."

            "Ew."  I fumble through my purse.

            "What are you looking for?"

            "Sanitizer." I hand her a bottle.

            She doesn't take it, but asks, "And what, pray tell, shall I do with it?"

            I steer her toward the hall.  "Spread it on the back of your thighs."

            She ducks out from under my hands and moves back toward the dance floor, laughing.  "You really are crazy.  Remind me again why I love you."

            "Why wouldn't you?"  I put the sanitizer under her nose for one last try.

            She shakes her head and I return it to my purse with a huff.

            "I promise to wear sweats to sleep in later.  My germ-covered legs won't touch anything in your house."

            "What about our toilet seats?" I watch as a girl in a mermaid dress takes the last water bottle from the refreshment table.

            "Man.  I'll shower when I get there. Okay?"

            "Fine." I gesture to the transformed gymnasium. "It's all fantastic, right?"

            "Beyond."

            Ms. Fulton, the only teacher not charmed by my straight A+ average and over-abundance of extra-curriculars is glaring at me from ten feet away like something's gone amok.  All the other teachers patted my back and congratulated me on successfully orchestrating the prom-week festivities, parade, and dance.  Not her.

 ***

  My thoughts: I admit I'm a little confused. I thought at first the narrator was a guy, but then the purse indicated it was a girl, who apparently arranges proms? And then the girl who sat on the toilet seat...why isn't she named? Like so: "I approach a girl Sue standing at the foot of the bleachers. I tap her bare, brown shoulder.  "Where have you been?" It seems they're friends, or perhaps something more? I wasn't sure. Either way, one doesn't think of one's friends as a girl, or a boy, we name them in our mind. And then there's Mrs. Fulton, who is glaring at our straight A+ narrator...why? And why is our our narrator a straight A+ over-achiever? At the same time I am also curious. Are these two more than friends? Is there some secret reason why Mrs. Fulton apparently dislikes our narrator? And again, why is our narrator such an over-achiever, so obsessed with perfection?
  Overall I think there are some intriguing elements here, but I didn't quite feel as engaged with the narrator as I would like. She seems too perfect, or maybe just too obsessed with perfection. A flaw or some worry on her part might help that.

   Readers, what are your thoughts on this first page? Any helpful comments/suggestions? And do go visit Dianne and Krystalyn to see their critique of this first page. Interested in having your first page critiqued? All the info is on my sidebar, top/left under First Impressions. 

   Have a fabulous week :)