blog so do go see what she had to say and I hope you'll add your comments :)
Catrine blinked as her eyes adjusted to the brightness outside the school building. She should have worn a hat. (why? because of the sun or the temperature or wind or...?) She glanced at David, who had closed the heavy wood door behind them. Her best friend’s smile shined as bright as the afternoon light. This was the first time either of them had left the school since their enrollment at the age of two. (If that's true, I would think they'd be stopping to have a long look around at the world outside the walls. Even if there were windows, if it was me, I might want to just relish in being outside finally.) They were both eighteen now,
but and David looked
ready to conquer the galaxy.
“Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," she said.
His smile dimmed. “We went over it five times on the way here.”
“Four. And you’re still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to the pupil’s home planet. That’s the whole point of the proposal.”
“Do you want to give the speech?”
Her inside twisted in knots. “No.”
“Then stop fretting. If the council hadn’t liked our idea, they wouldn’t have requested an audience.”
“They probably read the proposal once. You’ve read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it.”
David's smile returned, brighter than ever. “Then it wouldn’t have been perfect.”
Or written at all, she thought.
The one thing I would like to see a little more of in this first page is setting and sensory details. I want to know what it looks like (smells like, sounds like, feels like, tastes like) outside the school. How is it different from inside? If this an adult novel you could easily weave it in as they walk. Have Catrine and David seen what it looks like outside or is it all new? Have they been inside all their lives or was there an inner courtyard where they could feel the air and weather - assuming there is any! They don't seem very excited and if I was eighteen and had just stepped foot outside a school I'd been in since I was two, I'd be hugely excited, even if my excitement was tinged with nervousness at giving a proposal. Showing the setting will also give you the opportunity to show the characters' reactions to being outside for the first time since they can remember, which will in turn give the reader an opportunity to connect with David and Catrine and therefore be more invested in the story. Does that make sense?
Now, how about you guys, what do you think would make this first page better?