first impressions - FABLE RANGER

Well here we are at the beginning of the month again which means it's time for first impressions, where Dianne Salerni and I critique someone's first page on our respective blogs. Interested? If so we still have open slots for August and we'd love to crit your first. Today we have the first page of Angela Brown's MG novel, FABLE RANGER. My comments will be in purple and if you want to know more about Angela check out  Angela Brown in Pursuit of Publishness, Angela L Brown writes, Partners in ParanormYA, Neverlove and Frailties of the Bond.

Chapter One

Dreading Dots

Mom always told me to check before I answered the door. I really should have listened. Two boys stood on my porch, eyes wide with surprise.(Since this is first person, our narrator should refer to the boys by name since she knows them, or, maybe as my two best friends.) My neck and ears tingled. My freckles probably spelled e-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-e-d across my cheeks and nose.

“Case?” Darius tucked a basketball between his arm and side, snickering.

“In a dress?” Wynton whistled.(Since this is MG, I don't think either boy would whistle, and certainly not at a girl he considers one of the gang. I'm actually thinking they might laugh at how she's dressed since they probably only see her in pants or shorts - at least, that's the impression I get. BUT. I read very little MG so if anyone else wants to chime in...) His forehead wrinkled when he lifted his eyebrows, more confused than curious.

I was about to swear both of my so-called-best-friends to a “Don’t you dare tell anyone about this!” when mom called out from her studio. “Caesimilia Mollands! Close that door before bugs get in here.” 

“Look, guys,” Mmy hands dangled at my sides. I balled them into fists and gave Wynton and Darius my best evil eye. I think. “I have to get back so mom can finish the hem on this, ugh, thing, for next weekend.”

“That’s why we stopped by,” Darius said. “Wanted to get in some hoops since you can’t make it to the Community Sports Jam, you know, because of the wedding.”

I practically drooled on the spot, staring at the basketball. I wanted to snatch it from Darius, take off to the rec center and show them how much better I’d gotten charging the paint. A picture popped in my head: skinny girl in a fancy, strappy dress, heeled slippers click-clack-clicking down the sidewalk in a mad dash, dribbling the ball. Not cool. Not cool at all. I shook my head and sniffled. “I want to, guys. I really do, but--”

Mom called out again. “Case!”

“Maybe next time?” Darius tilted his head.

I nodded, sighing.

Both turned slowly, hesitant to leave. Darius glanced over his shoulder one last time and waved goodbye. It could’ve been a sign for me to run to the rec center with them anyway, slippered heels, dress and all. I wanted to so, so bad.

I closed the door instead, wishing I was on the other side.

Okay so not much to crit here except for those two spots, and, as stated, I am no expert, but I feel like the voice is a little old for MG, a little too mature. It also seems like not much is happening here, except an introduction to our tomboy narrator and her two friends. I wonder if the Community Sports Jam is important and if so maybe there's a way to emphasize that more so that we'll understand the significance of it to our narrator. I also get that she doesn't want to wear the dress, is probably not too keen on going to the wedding, and really loves b-ball, all of which are great tells about our narrator's character. But I do wonder if this is enough to get a middle grader to turn the page. 

Readers (especially MG readers), what do you think?   


addendum: I just read the query for this over at the QQQE  and I wonder if there's a way to give a hint of what's to come here in this first page. It doesn't even have to be a big hint, and it can be something that Case either ignores or dismisses but if a breadcrumb is dropped here then Case and the reader will later think, darn! Why didn't I pay attention to that before! But again, just my subjective opinion as someone who reads almost no MG so take it with that  in mind.