Monday, August 8, 2011

first impressions - untitled

Our fourth and final submission for August is an Historical Fantasy from Matt who can be found on twitter @MattReeves17 and here: www.matthewreeves.wordpress.com My comments are in purple - as always - and if you want to know what Dianne had to say check out her blog.



Chapter 1


 “Will,” a voice spoke softly, breaking the silence that had only moments before surrounded his thoughts.

Looking up, a small yet noticeable yawn escaping from his lips, the young man quickly found himself greeted by a familiar face. If this is Will I think you could name him here.


“Is there anything I can get for you?” the flight stewardess asked, flashing a large smile.


It was the same smile from before.


Straightening up from his slouched position, he shook his head, “Thank you, but it’s alright. I’m fine.”


"Are you sure?" she said eyeing him, "There aren't many your age who can handle flying  alone so easily." I've been told you should put a period after 'him.'

"Yes," he nodded, flashing back a timid smile of his own, "Quite sure."

“Okay, but remember, if you should need anything, anything at all, I’m only a wave away,” she winked.

He gave another nod.

As the woman continued to move down the aisle of the plane, passing his seat and the vacant one behind, he let his eyes gradually follow after her. She had been the first person to greet him when he and the other passengers had boarded. Being as nervous as he was, he had blurted out his own name immediately upon seeing her. With a laugh she had welcomed him and politely replied with her own.


“Susan…” he whispered to no one in particular.


She was from Britain, the same as himself.


Yorkshire, to be exact.

Turning his head back to the window, he continued to stare out at the alien view that lay beyond the pane of glass.

 “We should be approaching the Almaza Airport very soon,” spoke one of the flight attendants said after peaking (should be peeking: a peak is the top) her head inside the pilot’s cockpit.


‘Cairo,’ he thought with a mix of anxious and nervous heart beats.




This is a tough one. I can't think of anything else to comment on. The writing is good and I didn't spot any other grammatical or spelling errors. The only thing I might like is more of a glimpse inside Will's head to bond us to him more quickly. Maybe why he's fine flying alone. Has he done it before? Is there another reason that hints at his inner self or his past? I realize of course this is only the first page and I for one am a patient reader. If I read the back of a book and it looked interesting it would take many many pages for me to get bored as long as I was enjoying the writing. I actually like a good back story that sets the scene. Unfortunately, some people are not as patient. 

I hope this was helpful. If you would like to offer a submission for first impressions Dianne and I would love to read it. Just follow the instructions, top right sidebar.

4 comments:

  1. I agree with your assessment. Very good. I enjoyed it.

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  2. This is the first time I've seen this regularly done on a blog...great idea, great service to writers!

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  3. A nicely piece of writing. I'd also like to hear more of his thoughts too. Good critique too btw! Thanks for sharing with us.

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